OK enough already, it's time for a new post. It's time to crawl out from my hole of painting and sick baby-tending. I'm going to post 3 times by the time this week is over. Just so ya know, Sunday is the end of my mental week, based from a misunderstanding from early childhood until I was in high school.
My earlier post about what makes me feel good about myself as a wife made me start thinking about other illogical connections to my job performance as a friend or mother. This whole thought process was started years ago by my sister-in-law Kristie, when she was living on Long Island in Bayville, NY, 38 miles away from us in Jersey City, NJ. Baby Felicity and I were visiting her and their 3 (at the time) girls one fine day. We drove into Oyster Bay in the afternoon and the sun was shining. Kristie said, "Oh no, it's a beautiful day and we haven't been outside. I always feel like a bad mom when that happens." I thought, "?!?!?"
But now I completely understand.
If I'm a good mom, then...
My children play outside and/or go on a walk
I make cookies or they help me cook something
I read to them for great lengths of time
We eat well-balanced meals that involve lots & lots of fruits and veggies
My children watch no or very little TV/movies
And do lots of jobs, in and outside
We have a good scripture study/song/prayer with NO FIGHTING
My children do not have cereal for breakfast
Use their imaginations while playing
They bathe
I clean something besides the kitchen for the 842nd time that week
We have a learning activity that actually gets cleaned up afterwards
Their rooms are clean
Lots of hugs and kisses
I feel I am a good friend when:
I watch their children
They come for dinner
I have the ingredient they're missing for their dinner
We talk on the phone and it is neither too long nor too short (so they know I care, but I'm not taking up their whole day, either)
I attend their event (baby shower, softball game, dance performance, whatever)
My Christmas/birthday card actually arrives on time (or I remember it at all)
They let me serve them in some way (do their dishes/organize pantry/teach their Primary class while they're on vacation)
They laugh while we're together
They tell me about their problems
I have a recipe they want, and actually remember to give it to them
I read their blogs/email forwards (some of these are more fun than others)
These lists are not all-inclusive, and obviously there are some things that are beyond my control. (Like having the capers my neighbor needs for her lemon chicken? or my children actually putting their undies in the hamper without my prompting? ) For some silly reason, those things are like little gold stars on my report card. However, knowing that I cannot determine the outcomes, I'm trying not to get hung up on these things.... since I never accomplish everything on the list anyway, and some days are better than others. But it's still interesting to reflect on what validates.
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11 comments:
Isn't it funny what qualifications we set for our own "success"? Funnily enough, I feel guilty when my husband helps me accomplish anything on that list. It's like I'm making him work extra, even when he does it in an entirely voluntary manner. Silly. But I totally agree.
I'm a good mom when I sit down and actually play with the baby rather than make the occasional silly face at him in passing.
I'm a good wife when I don't give a guilt trip.
I'm a good friend when I call my friends.
My qualifications are fairly low right now.
My latest guilt trip is making my children make their own lunches. And not getting up at 5:55am to make breakfast for the child that leaves the house at 6:20 for school. But I don't feel like a bad mom if their rooms aren't clean. I just want them to DO IT.
Oh, I was secretly hoping you'd talk about the movie "Sneakers," which is a fantastic movie. I'll have you know I recognized it right away, which goes to show just how awesome my memory is. YESSSS.
I feel like I'm a good sister when I comment on my sister's blog. And that's about it.
So...I was wondering if you could send me a pkg of Capers for my next meal ON TIME while talking to me on the phone for seven hours and please take my children. I will gladly put them on the next airplane. I love you JO. The only time I ever felt like you weren't a good friend is when you hesitated to take the chapstick...need I say more?
I loved your post! I'm totally like you about the kitchen not counting. My big project for today was to dust the top of the picture frames around the house. That was all that I did, it took 3 minutes, but I felt like a cleaner extraordinare who could reward herself with doing a whole bunch of nothing the rest of the day.
"They let me serve them in some way." AMEN, SISTAH! (Cousin) I have a friend who is always doing everything on the "good parent" list you wrote and never seems to need help from anyone, although there are lots of people who would just do anything for her, and it drives us all crazy! Letting someone serve you is a service!
Well, after reviewing you against your self-imposed list, I have decided: You are a horrible friend and mother.
Jussssssssssssst kidding!
I think you are a pretty dang good friend. Most people would be lucky to even have one friend like you.
I'm always thinking how much I would love for my husband to "help out" around the house, but then when he does I feel like I'm not being a good wife. If I was, there wouldn't be anything for him to do...sometimes I get a glimpse as to why men don't understand women...I don't understand women. But I know for a fact JoEllen is an excellent mother, wife, and friend. EXCELLENT!
You're alright, I guess.
it really only takes ONE of those things on your list to feel good. or at least that is what i focus on until i feel good about myself. and i like to justify that taking a nap helps me be a better mother/wife/friend because i'm more likely to actually do one of those things when i'm well rested.
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